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“What you seek is seeking you”-Rumi

“What you seek is seeking you”-Rumi

Recently I received life changing news that I had been hoping for since I was a child, not until halfway through my yoga teacher training did the universe feel I was ready to receive it.

 Often, I have said that wellness is not just about your physical body but also your mental and social well-being.  This I have learned first- hand.  It’s no secret that I am adopted. As a child, and even an adult, I always struggled with the feelings of not being wanted or good enough and carried with me a strong fear of abandonment. When I began my wellness journey in 2017 and found the practice of yoga is when I realized in order for me to fully be well, I needed to heal my 3 year- old self.  Until I showed her the love and attention she needed, I would continue to repeat the cycle of gaining and losing extremely large amounts of weight as I had throughout my entire life.

Since the age of 18 I have been searching for my birth family, but it was disappointing and exhausting.   I decided I needed to let it go and be “OK” with who I was and not knowing where I came from but apparently, I never really was.  This realization came to me In February 2017 via my massage therapist.   While having a massage I was telling him about my weight loss goals and my life in general, and he said… “You what you need to do…you need to finish what you started… find your birth family, so you can let go of that baggage once and for all”.  He was right, the next morning I called a reunion search specialist that I had seen on Oprah several years before, and retained her services.

Over the years I had gathered quite a bit of info on my birth parents and shared it with her, so she could begin the search.  My husband was concerned about my feelings being hurt by information I may receive, but I assured him and myself that whatever I found out, it would have to be the closure that I needed to move on. Knowing this, I went about the business of healing my 3 year old self…through Yoga and meditation.

I finally got some news about my birth father in July of 2017.  There was a man I had found in 2013 whom I thought to be my birth father. When I finally got in touch with this person he led me to believe that I was incorrect in my assumption, so I let it go…but she confirmed that I had been correct all this time.  I thought about reaching out again, but decided that it would be best from me not to pursue it… I had my answer…and guess what…I was “OK”.  I didn’t need validation from this person, my life was good… I was good.

For some reason my birth mother felt more important for me to find.  How do you carry a child for 9 months and give them away? Why did she do that?…  I wanted to hear her story.  Had she thought of me over the years? Do I look like her?  Had she been searching for me too? Unfortunately, the search for her had been more difficult as I had not had enough pertinent items of identification.

Finally, on November 1st 2017 a Pennsylvania law went into effect that all adoptees could now have access to their un-edited birth certificates.  This had both of my biological parent’s names on it and for my birth mother, it provided her maiden name…exactly the information we needed.

I thought it would be that simple, I have her name now we will find her quickly. But, it wasn’t until 2 years later that we finally found her, as she had used several aliases throughout her life making it extremely difficult to track her down.  Unfortunately she passed away in 2015 so the opportunity to speak with her is forever removed. I am extremely disappointed but, I have found 4- 1/2 siblings, and choose to believe that it happened this way for a reason. I have been speaking to one of my 1/2 sisters and she has been gracious enough to share her stories of her mother with me… the good…the bad… and the ugly.  I do find the timeline of it all quite interesting. Little did I know that my work would lead me to her and the healing through my yoga practice would prepare me for what was to come.

Timeline:

Jan 2017: Started wellness journey and found my yoga practice

Feb 2017: Hired research genealogist

Nov 2017: Received orginal birth certificate with birth mother’s name. Started working on large project in Milwaukee, WI.

Feb 2018-: Attended astrology & yoga retreat. Astrologer tells me that something with my family will happen in the Fall of 2018

Jan 2019- Closed the very large project in Milwaukee, WI that I have been pouring lots of energy into it for 18 months

Feb 2019- Received the news that the genealogist had found my birth mother/family and they are all from you guessed it….Milwaukee, WI.

Isn’t this wild???  

What I thought would be an end has actually become a new beginning.   I am still digesting all of this and what it means, as well as mourning the loss of what I thought might be.  I will continue to share this process with you as time goes on and more things come to light.  I do feel a sense of peace though as I am finally getting so many answers to 48 years of questions.

Thanks for letting me share!

Xoxo

Margeaux



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